Steve Martin - Cruel Shoes

I don't know if any of you grew up on Steve Martin's comedic stylings, but my brother and I used to spend hours listening to his comedy albums... complete with gigantic headphones. We also had one of his books (we were all about the literature in our house) and I always loved this story... so for my fellow-warped-sense-of-humor-peeps... enjoy:





Cruel Shoes
by Steve Martin

Anna knew she had to have some new shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's every pair of shoes in the place."

"Oh, you must have one more pair..."

"No, not one more pair... Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want..."

Anna interrupted, "Oh yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"

Carlo looked incredulous. "No Anna, you don't understand, you see the cruel shoes are..."

"Get them!"

Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, then returned with an ordinary shoe box. He opened the lid and removed a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But these were not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had aright angle turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.

Carlo spoke hesitantly, "... Now you see why... they're not fit for humans..."

"Put them on me."

"But..."

"Put them on me!"

Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.

The screams were incredible.

Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.

"I like them."

She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.

Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's every shoe in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes."

My Baby Turned 12

I can't believe I have a 12-year old, complete with girls calling and ringing the doorbell. Thankfully, his little brother keeps him grounded with goofy-ness.

More Conchords

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Little Tag Game for us...

Kelli had this on her blog... if you have a blog, I tag you to answer on yours!

1. If your doctor told you today that you were pregnant, what would you say? No. No. No... no.... no...no...no...nonononononononononononononononono.

2. When was the last time you flew in a plane? January 2008, coming home from our cruise.

3. What did the last text message you sent say? Text what?

4. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex? Nice smile, with smiling eyes too, bald head, 6'4", blue eyes, amazing dad, soft heart

5. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future? Half marathon in October.

6. Shoe size? 9ish

7. Been to Mexico? yup

8. When is the last time you had a massage? too long ago... can't remember!

9. What was the last TV show you watched? Big Bang Theory

10. What are your plans for the weekend? Adam's Birthday Sleepover on Thurs, Family Easter/Birthday dinner at mom & dad's Friday, working Sat, Sun, Monday.

11. If your significant other asked you to marry them today what would you say? Yes, I need to redo that wedding of 1992.

12. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Nothing, the kids cleaned the van yesterday!

13. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? stuff.

14. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? Jemaine Clement of flight of the conchords. He's like a sexy cross between an Ogree and a librarian.

15. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nope.

16. What is the best ice cream flavor? Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter Chocolate.

17. What is the last sporting event you watched? Grade 6 boys basketball tournament. 3 grueling hours.

18. Ever go camping? yes, but it's complicated.

19. Last phone call? Michelle Newman.

20. Are you allergic to anything? MSG, alcohol, felt :-)

21. What is one thing you have learned about life recently? What's important to Jesus better be important to me.

22. What do you do at work? Sell condos & organize stuff.

23. What is your mom's name? Brenda

24. Ever cried for no reason? Probably

25. Can you do the Crank Dat dance? Is that the Soulja Boy one? No, but I'd love to learn it.

26. What is your favorite color to wear? Neutrals and reds.

27. What is the longest plane ride you have ever been on? Kelowna to Manilla, Philippines. (Firstclass from Vancouver to Hong Kong because they overbooked the flight!)

28. What is the longest road trip you have ever taken? Thunder Bay, Ontario to Orlando, Florida.

29. What are your turn-offs? arrogance, buzz words, racial slurs

30. What was your last alcoholic beverage? Pina Colada, January '08

31. What are you craving right now? Coconut chicken. (Ah, that's what I'll make tomorrow!!)

Something for the Ladies

Time for a little more Flight of the Conchords, don't you agree?



My favorite part is...
"... hermaphrodite... lady-man-lady
Oh you sexy lady-man-lady...
with youre sexy lady bits and your
sexy man bit tooowooo...
even you must be into you woo wooo...."

Oregon or Noregon?

He has a dream.
He wants to pack up his wife and kids and explore the Oregon coast.
He dreams of watching the surf, toes in the sand, the salty air whiping through his hair...

And for the last 10 or so years I have found every excuse to kill Joel's dream. (Well, the hair part was kind of taken care of for me.) My chief objection being my dislike for long drives in the car.

But it looks like he's finally worn me down and we're heading south this summer.

Oh, I forgot to mention one thing... the "to do list"...
Dunes, camping, crabbing, hiking, aquariums, shopping, themeparks, visit grandma, take in a full day of outdoor concerts then the grand finale is to spend a week at Patti & Nathan's cabin just outside of Edmonton.

Did I mention we have 2 weeks to do all this?


My favorite quote of the evening was after I suggested Joel do the planning and research for this trip (since that's usually my area) and after hours of googling/mapquesting/etc...

Joel: "I don't know honey, this is going to be an awful lot of driving. I don't know why you thought this would be such a great idea. I don't get you."

yup.

(of course he was mocking himself and his dream of 3 weeks of travel squished into 2 weeks.)


I would now like to list my hesitations, (it's my blog after al):
1) the idea of packing camping gear for a mixed holiday far from thrills my need for simplicity & organization
2) if we have to pack our camping crap/gear we need to take the van, which is questionably reliable.
3) When I camp, I like all the food organized and prepped at home so that the cooking at the camp site is easy (and clean.) But can you bring food across the border these days?
4) Can I be away from home for 2 weeks without doing laundry?

I would now like to point out how openminded and flexible I am, and the compromises I believe we have agreed on.
1) If I didn't have to pack hardly any food (because we'd mostly be eating out) I could probably camp.
2) and since we won't have to bring all the cooking gear, we might be able to take the car, especially if we found a cabin or a YURT (google it.)and didn't have to bring our tent & "beds" either!
3) I can go to a laundry mat when we get to the cabin in alberta
4) I will be in a hotel by night 5 or 6.
5) I don't have to go to the theme park... theme parks make me throw up.


Shockingly flexible, I know.
The control freak is trying to lossen her grip.
Baby steps. Baby steps.


So, I'm asking for ideas from anyone who's done the oregon coast... what shoud we see, where's the best place to camp, any tips or ideas? We're thinking of the Newport area...

Me, Joel and the boys... the Griswalds have nothing on us.

Neglect

It's not so much that I forgot I had a blog...

Well helllooo and if you are reading this I thank you for not giving up on me. I promise I'll do better or die trying.

Coles notes on the last month:

Job-- goin' ok... I'm liking what I'm doing, although it's been pretty quiet. Traffic is picking up so that's good. I know this is a temporary situation, just not sure how temporary, so I'm looking at each week as a bonus and we'll just have to wait it out and see! There have been a couple of weeks that have been pretty busy with lots time in at the store, plus my 20-25 hours here, but doable, and know it's short term, you can do anything, right?

Including the Science fair...
which was last Thursday. Thankfully Joel was able to oversee the projects and the kids had fun. I still don't understand how their things worked, but I don't need to clutter my mind with things like understanding electricity.

Wining and Dining...
the last 6 weeks have been full of getting together with friends and it has been so nice to do that. We've had a great time catching up with friends we haven't been able to socialize with for a while and look forward to keeping up this habit. It's really reminded me how many special people we have in our lives and how important it is to be with them. I am blessed with great people to call my friends --- thank you.

And it begins...
Two weeks ago I witnessed my son being hugged by a female classmate. His wasn't a "hug back" so much as a distant, brief, open-handed pat on the shoulder. I guess this is what happens when you're about to turn 12. I am now in full pursuit of an all-boys boarding school in northern saskatchewan.

and with that... I must go flog some condos on some unsuspecting senior citizens.